For most people, the years of being a teenager and probably a few after are ones that are fraught with many changes, both physically and mentally. We go through puberty, get more responsibilities, more freedom that many crave like they would a drug, and 'grow up'. It's this time that we start to really notice people of the opposite sex, and are no longer seen as pests. Some experience their first loves, some get their hearts broken, have their first crushes. Many try to push boundaries, and it's an exciting new time for them. Hormones starts production in earnest, and it's a confusing time for most.

After this, after finishing many years of education, it's time to step into the world of 'adults', once looked upon with awe and longing and yet when we reach that most wish we were young again. The first steps towards independence, both financial and from our parents are taken here. No longer is there a 'fallback' or teachers and mentors guiding you every step of the way, it'll be a scary and exciting new phase of life. Of course, with work brings salary, and newfound spending power will be an exciting new thing to behold.

Now with a job, most people will find their other halves, get married and settle down. Some don't get married, by choice or otherwise. As time goes by, they would probably have had a few children, and then focus on climbing the corporate ladder and bringing up their children, sending them to school and giving them the best that they can provide.

Twenty years or so down the road, the children would have grown up, and there will be no more worries. Most will retire, and years later, like everyone else before them, they die. The cycle repeats, and change happens constantly.

Aat this transitionary age between teenagehood and adulthood, I'm rather excited and yet afraid, both at the same time. It's an interesting feeling that is not easily described. While quite a few of my peers have begun or have already been settling their own affairs such as applying for passports, ATM cards, handphone lines and what-nots, I still don't really know how to use an ATM and have not seen a handphone bill in ages. The last time I saw one was a few years ago, when my mum said that my bill was too high (around $30-$40 I think). There are new experiences to be had on a regular basis.

I feel... strangely unprepared. Really unprepared, like everyone else had some important life preparation lesson that I missed. Truth be told I don't feel 20 at all, and I am not ready. It scares me a little to feel like everyone has an idea of how being this age is like and I missed that memo.

And that's not all that scares me. A few nights ago, as I was falling asleep, I was thinking of how I'm reaching the age that I think I'm finally mature enough to handle a relationship, and how in a few years I'll probably be married, and a few years after that I'll probably have a kid or two. Then it striked me that that's not a lot of time. In the simple mind of mine years back I've always envisioned that I'll be married by 24, have 2 kids by 30 just because it sounds and feels right, and that I will naturally know what to do by then because the knowledge will suddenly drop from the sky and knock me on the head, but alas it did not. And then after twenty years or so, my kids will be grown up and I'll be in retirement, and then, it's just a matter of time before I die. Suddenly I wasn't sleepy anymore.

My mind's trying to grasp the fact that I wouldn't live forever, like everyone else, and it's having some trouble doing so. It feels so transient, and unreal. At this age I guess most, or everyone, feels that they are invincible and they will live forever. In the quiet of the night I looked at my hand, flexed it once, and a thought ran through my head: all this will be reduced to nothing more than dust sooner or later. Throw in another fifty to a hundred years and what you've done and your life will be as if it never existed. But that's the cycle of life, isn't it?

Then I thought, "What happens if we can live forever? Will that be better?" This is probably one of the reasons why people seek immortality (Qin ShiHuang for example), and like books/stories/movies with vampires and immortal souls/beings. But what happens if you can live forever? It'll soon be a burden, a chore, and a torture. Imagine seeing everything around you change other than you, living day after day, year after year, millennia after millennia.

Back to the nearer future, I'm adapting to these inevitable changes in my life. Slowly but surely, I think I'll make the transition and gain the knowledge of the adult I'm supposed to be in a year or two, seeing that it did not hit me over the head like a sack of bricks. Slowly, but surely. I'll get there when I get there I guess? And I'll do it my way.

1:28 AM

Happiness can be simple.
|
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~