I'm turning 20 in a month or so, and this is officially the last month that I'm officially a teen. For me, it'll probably just be another birthday. The higher your expectations, the greater the disappointment right? When I first turned 16, and consequently 18, I thought "Woah, milestones! I should feel something different; possibly a sudden maturity overnight." Didn't happen, and I'm still as childish as I can ever be, with people saying I'm 16 when I'm going to be 20. I don't dread it; it's inevitable and you don't have to think you have to act all different. Just be who you are. And for the real pessimists, yes it's a step closer to death. Now stop thinking like that and enjoy life.
If there's something I'm thinking right now, I think that I'm incredibly lucky to be me. I have a wonderful family, fun and interesting relatives, and awesome friends. I have people around me who support me, who have seen how I'm like and are still around. I admit I'm not the best friend there is, and will probably wait for someone to contact me unless I get this brainwave and all. It's likely a residual leftover from secondary school, where I go home straight after school and don't go out often. And sometimes there's this little feeling that I don't really deserve all of this. There are people out there 1000 times more hardworking, more deserving of this, and I get all of it.
I think it's because there's this wonderful group of people supporting me, and sometimes I'm too dependent and reliant on them. Sometimes I'm afraid that I've been looking at things through rose-tinted glasses, and somewhere along the way it'll get ripped out and I'll be left floundering and flailing about. As much as I don't really want to admit this, I'm afraid of the day that this might all be gone. There's this selfish part of me that wants to keep this reliance, to always have people to help me, but then I'll never grow up. I have to learn to stand on my own two feet, but at the same time I'm afraid. Afraid of what I can become in the future, afraid of what lay ahead, afraid that I'll be a disappointment.
And I don't want to disappoint my parents. I don't want to let them down, when all they've done is to teach me and guide me the best they can, and wish for nothing but the best for my future. I don't want that 10 years down the road I'm still relying on the people around me, and not being able to do anything by myself. I don't want to be some sort of parasite that can't do anything right.
Sometime or later I will have to break out of my protective cocoon, my own chrysalis. Will I be some butterfly is still yet to be seen. I do hope that when the time comes, I'll be a butterfly, spreading my wings and soaring high.
I don't want to disappoint. I will not. I just hope that this would be the case.
On another note, I'll probably be back to the cheerful me in awhile.
